Today, on the way to walmart to print out 152 pictures, lol, i got to thinking... i had the sunroof open on a nice breezy cloudy day, i was all alone, didnt have to be home for three hours, and had something loud and punk playing on my CD player (are you among the masses-some christian band on a variety type CD- it is the song that blares the best) i had my equalizer set on stadium setting so it sounded like i was at a concert. i LOVE that feature of my car. ( i sound like one of those dudes on pimp my ride with all kinds of crazy f-ing sound stuff in their trunk!!)
i digress...
i was so happy. i was out by myself . then a thought came to me. i really really wanted a cigarette. not one of the smelly cloves that i used to smoke on occasion. i wanted a camel (light! HA HAHA) i could taste it. yum.. i maybe even wanted two. you know, for a weekend or two, i wanted my old crazy ass life back. Just for one weekend couldnt i just be the old me?
not that the old me was so great, but hey, it was fun and wild and crazy. here is how an average fun night would go .
i would have my little line all finely chopped up on a CD case in the kitchen high on the counter. half for me , half for my roommate, leaving the extra clump of whiteness there next to the razor blade so we could be ready for the next morning...Getting ready in our individual rooms , coming in to borrow the curling iron, do you have any mascara, how does this top look? can i borrow your white lacy one? we were prissy druggies- all high and getting ready to drive downtown and go dance our asses off on a speaker.
first we would meet up with the bar back for our hook-up, then go to the bathroom, pop some pills that our other drug dealer roommate scored for us from some veteran who sold his prescription pills for cash . ok, so pop some of those to intensify (WTF were we thinking??) the line we had snorted, then off to the bar for a quick shot of goldschlager, cute flirts from two girls =free shots :) and a couple of cold rolling rocks, and off we went. stumbling through the club, happy as larks. we wouldnt quit till we were good and ready. we would have our packs of camels in our back mens levis pants pockets, cause that was standard "bottom wear" and when we went out back for some air and to smoke one, wetalked... A LOT> how many of you "know what i am talking about"? a lot. i am so glad we are friends , oh i love you, we have so much fun together, no one is quite like you, here, block me while i pee, ok, now i will block you. guess what ? i have a surprise for you (pull out mini tiny ziploc baggie and dig car key in to snort a little off the tip ) Yippee now we are READY TO GO AGAIN>
the Christian side of me looks back at this and i am embarrassed (and sickenly a little proud and it feels weird to know that my closest friends dont know this side of me, even though i have eluded) , although, God would not have gotten my attention had i not done all this stuff.... it wasnt quite a little faze either. it lasted a good few years, varying in the substance. i never got addicted either... well, maybe that one time we did crank for two weeks STRAIGHT and i was paranoid that there was crank factory behind my apt. i kept SMELLING it. i SWEAR!! ok, here i go again.
My point, if i have one, is that i am not gloryfying any off this , to use a little bit of "christian-ese" language... I am not sure if it is exactly my testimony. I do live for the Lord now, but is it wrong (dont tell me , i already know the answer!!LOL) to want to go back just for one weekend? just to make sure it is out of my system? i know i wouldnt get addicted. i live with one of those who could never handle a single stray cigarette and then stop, and i dont want to cause my husband to stumble, but hey he isnt invited on this trip down memory lane , as much as i love him, it may just have to be a girls weekend. that is another thing. i dont even have friends that would go with me. even my craziest friend has never done this stuff. LOLOL> gawd, you all are prob sick of me and about to throw up with my throw back to the past.
I know i prob shouldnt be even thinking about how fun this would be . repent heathen child. depart from me, i never knew you!! but actually, he does. he knows all this side of me, and prob is rolling his eyes in heaven, oh gina gina, what am i going to do with your crazy self? that is how he talks to me. a tad condescending in the lovliest of lovingly gentle ways
I love Jesus and dont want to dissapoint him, but sheesh, could i repent later? J/K i know this isnt how it works. no lectures please. just wanted to get this off my chest. I pray all the time for more fun things to do as a Christian,. sometimes i want something a little wilder than coffee night with the moms group. :) God knows my heart, and hopefully he will help me.
I feel like i need a disclaimer now. like, i really am a cheezy good mom, would lay down my life to protect my kids, love hanging with them and taking good care of them. i love my DH and he is the only on who knows these feelings, as i tell him constantly.
20 20 24 hours to go..i wanna be sedated (no crappy arbor mist sangria chardonnay-that ain't gonna do it this time!))
nothing to do (except straighten the kitchen)
nowhere to go (exept to bed to watch Bill O'Reilly on Fox News)
take me to the airport put me on an plane, (ok, the kids meals are all planned out. dont forget sunscreen and oh yeah use the peach conditioner on julia's hair, and her tights for church are in the sock box on the dryer)
I can't control my fingers I can't control my brain Hurry Hurry Hurry before i go insane
-----The Ramones
posted by gina at 4:53 AM Permalink
12 Comments:
Hmmm, okay...well, I can honestly say that I'm a bit shocked. I mean, you said something about a cigarette on the phone, and I was like, "Ewww, Gina used to smoke." Of course, I've done much worse, I just always found smoking to be so nasty. I was sure that you had had your fun, perhaps some heavy drinking nights during those college-age years, but whoa! Guess what, you win! You beat me by a longshot. I feel compelled to write out my story, but it would sound so boring compared. So was Wes doing this stuff when you met him, or had he quit already?
On to your point...I know exactly what you mean. I do truly love my life now, and wouldn't give it up for the world. However, sometimes I really long to go back to my old self, even for a little while. That's one reason why I plan to get a tattoo and a piercing after the baby is born (it's part of my weightloss reward plan). I loved having my tongue pierced. I had a lot of fun with my party friends, too. I could go w/o it, though. As a matter of fact, about a year or so ago, we were hanging out w/a friend of Trey's from work, and they were passing a joint around. I took it for some strange reason (I was already really drunk...). I hit it once...it was NASTY! It didn't do anything, and the next day I just felt HORRIBLE! I can promise you that if you were to go back, even for a night, you would hate it, and feel really bad about it later. I don't think God minds if you relive the happy moments in your mind, though, and have a little fun thinking about the past! Lord knows I do!
Oh, and one more thing...once the baby is born, I will GLADLY be accomplice to something a little more wild. I can think of nothing more fun than to go out clubbing and dancing all night long...drunk or not, it doesn't matter to me! That is, of course, if that's your thing...It would be nice to be able to do that, too, since Trey won't dance w/me, and is never off on those days! I could even find really cool people to come with us if you want...make you feel all wild again!
6:08 AM
well, i was doing it in Florida, then we (debbie and I) moved to san francisco, and i met wesley there. first date he asked me on, "hey, want to come to my house to smoke a bowl?" OMG> lol. then we had some "fun" together for a while. we chilled out when we moved to texas. nothing heavy just pills and pot! oh yeah and drink for me, but not wes, he quit that when he was 21.
yeah i am scary , huh? funny thing is you still dont know all of it. now you wonder why i have never spilled this side of myself to anyone. except now the whole internet! dont want to scare potential friends away. LOLOL>
6:39 AM
you know its bad when you say you stopped doing the heavy stuff, just pills pot and drink!! ROFL> omg
6:40 AM
LOL! You are too cute. You are a crazy girl. I think you need a serious girls weekend. Let's meet at Bush Gardens and go crazy. (But not too crazy, drinks, and if you really want to smoke but I don't think you'll like it if you have one) Anyway, no drugs because I don't want us to die! LOL I am too scared of drugs. And I'm a wimp. But wouldn't that be fun to hang out for the weekend? Then you would go back to your life so refreshed!
1:51 PM
I think I sort of understand how you feel. What's your email address?
2:18 PM
sara, when???? lol.
julia, julesblk@sc.rr.com
thanks for the input guys
7:06 PM
okay,don't panic. just douse yourself w holy water and lay in the front of the church and you'll be ok! ha! just kidding. it's so weird you say this sometimes i have dreams about my old life and i think wow that was sooooooooooo much fun. believe me when i say it's not as much fun when you try to get that loving feeling back again babe!!!!!
10:35 PM
i know deep down, k8 you are right. :)
3:11 AM
i hate it that you stopped by for THAT post. lol. oh well, now ya know.
are you actively trying to quit, scrapper girl?
4:47 AM
Gina....I know exactly how you feel. I was a partier in my younger days also. Sometimes you just want to escape ALL responsibilities for a little while (because, face it, we have a lot of them). I am totally ready for a girls weekend. We could have fun and no respsonbilities for a little while. (but I gotta get this Orlando handbell trip behind me first). i'll write more later....i'm still at work!
5:37 PM
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2:37 AM
Gina - You were one wild and crazy girl! I cant even picture you doing any of that. I know how you feel. I loved to party when younger! Soooo much fun going out drinking, and not having a care in the world. (i didnt do drugs) I'm with Sara - they SCARE me! I dont even like taking tylenol!
I want to party it up with my loopies over drinks, and of course many laughs : )
2:39 AM
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