Another Outlet for My Reality Obsessed Self

Today I have been thinking a lot about God and how he decided to protect me in the past. I wonder WHY he chose to protect me, how he kept me out of jail or dead on the side of the road, how i didn't contract AIDS, how i didnt overdose, kill someone driving under the influence of many different and mostly illegal substances. It is too big to fathom.

I was getting my hair done today. I was so excited because my roots are HORRIBLE and it is a real treat to be able to go , get it styled by a cute as can be 24 yr old who has my ideal hair herself, and just sit and BE, ya know? I was in the chair with the first coat of color on, waiting for my 15 minutes to ring on the timer, reading a Cosmo that she had handed me. I much prefer People, but no go today. I was flipping through Cosmo, picking up handy techniques, new positions, and other ultra-trashy smut, when i saw an article on Meth- Crystal Meth. It seems all the rage and frankly it is kind of getting on my nerves... all these stay at home moms confessing, college cheerleaders od'ing, various big-wigs getting sent to jail for cooking in their meth kitchens.... seems all the trend now, and I am not a one for trends or Dateline "special reports" . heck, meth has been around for ages, and people just now catching on? slackers. but tonight , in the bath, sipping an almost frozen icehouse, i was having major flashbacks. I know a lot of my blog peeps are not religious and I am not either(in the terms of rules- i prefer relationship), but I love the Lord with all my heart and he has shown himself REAL to me, because I would not believe the whole thing about God in Heaven had he not come down himself and made himself REAL . ok tangent. God was reminding me about ME!~
When I moved to San Francisco, as i often refer to as my favorite time in my life, I wasnt into anything except heavy drinking, pot (as in , had it all the time , had my own pipe , bong and could roll a mean one- not a "will take a toke if it comes around, ya know? " i could fashion a coke can or a dryer screen into something to smoke pot out of , you see and omg did i actually drive with a big ass pot plant in my car from florida to cali?? GOD... ) and also prescription meds (that was always my drug of choice). As i proofread the paragraph up to now, because i am a tad ADD and had to go put another icehouse in the freezer, i noticed that i wrote "wasnt into anything except... dot dot dot....... OH MY GOD i will kill my kid if they did these things. then cry like a baby~ thank GOD my mom had no freaking clue...
So back to meth. Debbie and I started doing coke- Wes had some connections and we were ready to move on from acid, uppers, downers and pot. We were pros at mixology- how to mix what drug with what alcohol to totally WASTE us. We got the hook up, and like i said one time before, kept a stash of powder ontop of a CD case in our kitchen-- stuck up in the cabinets where we kept the glasses. I would get up, come home, whatever, pull the CD case out, razor blade ready to go with the neon pink half straw, snort a line or two , and leave her a few lines nice and cut up ready to go. We did this all the time- it was rare that we didnt have it. When MY connections didnt get it, her buddies from Berkeley got it for us. Coke is expensive though, and so is living in San Fran. That is when we got introduced to crank, otherwise known as poor mans coke. I read in the magazine today that crank is really crystal meth, which i didnt know, and/ or didnt realize. all i knew was it did almost the same thing as coke and was a portion of the $$.... readily and always on hand.
one night i went to a party at wes' friends house. She had an 8 ball of coke (an extremely large amount for those of you that dont know). about 8 of us sat around this big dining room table, all of us talking and interrupting , snorting.... community straw. I would take a sniff, then in my mind, not two seconds later, the tray was back around to me... and we all kept screaming and talking laughing all over each other, how hilarious that time was flying by and really was it my turn again or are ya'll just fucking with me>? it was almost like doing nitrous ( GOD i am making myself sound wonderful ---- my roommate in Fl Brian stole a tank ((A TANK !!!!! how did he not go to jail???)) and it made you pass out in between inhaling nitrous balloons) this coke made me feel the same way. kept coming around. never ended. never ending. we were flying higher than the clouds, but didnt have sense enough to stop because everyone kept talking talking... i remember the noise.
so that was coke- we had it intermittently... but crank was now the thing. i didnt think i was addicted, but what do you call doing it every single day? i worked at chilis and i remember packing some in a little teeny ziploc (like a jewelry size, ya know?) I would carry a key in my jean skirt and would "go to the bathroom" every few hours and snort as i flushed the toilet. wes and a few others did the same thing. after work, we would all get together and smoke out and those of us who did, cranked.
We went broke- OBVIOUSLY. before we moved to texas, i recall being in my apartment in the city ( ahh i loved that cute place- right in the hood! LOL) and the thing about crank is it makes you euphoric for the first couple of hours -- less the longer you snort--- and then it makes you paranoid..... i was smelling something NASTY. i called wes and debbie into the living room and we went out on the fire escape to see what the smell was. I was convinced that there was a CRANK factory out back... we saw smoke and of course all of us are high anyways, so we believed that the smoke smell was a crank kitchen or a crank factory. nasty smell it has.... i was almost ready to call the cops because i was so sure it was an illegal thing they were doing. stupid.
i think back to that time of my life- and i really think i was addicted. whether or not i was , i did it every day. come to think of it, i had done some sort of drug everyday since i was 19 in college. back then it was just pot and pills.
how did i not get ruined ? how did i have healthy kids? not go to jail? end up a good wife, greater mother, contributing member of society, picket fence and a black lab? i realize that a lot of people go through these things- it always makes me laugh- it is rare to find someone who was as stupid as i was-- but it is almost reassuring.
i want to put myself out there for other people who are too scared to let others know what they all did. is that dumb? i am transparant as hell anyways. there are a couple of things that i keep under wraps but that is just because i havent found others in my situation, and it is hard to spill it all to someone who
A. has no dirt so you feel like a loser
B. who's dirt is not as bad as yours.

here i am . take a chance. it just makes me feel better. I am glad i am over all that now. i am also glad that i went through it because it was fun (AHHH SO WRONG!!! HAHAH) and it makes me who i am.
i worry about myself though- i am not gonna go apeshit and go do something stupid but is it wrong to ........i am not glorifying........think fondly on those times? i know they were wrong. and like i said, i would KEEL my kids if i found them doing something like this (or Lord what their father did!!) ..
Long story- you still with me? did i have a point?